barbiedisco

barbiedisco @ 2008-10-19T21:27:00

2008-10-20T02:29:15Z

I can't believe this. My heart is fucking breaking. It feels like it's not fair but I guess it is. We weren't supposed to end up like this. I'm fighting the tears but I don't know how much longer I can last. I'm tired of thinking of you when I try so hard to get over you.

wow

2008-10-16T03:56:57Z

It really is over. Part of me can't believe it. I texted Nick asking for him to tell you to call me and no response. I thought I was ready but sometimes I think i'm not. You were my best friend, like truly, my best friend. I feel so alone and I yearn for you and I wake up thinking of you but I know in the long run, this will fade and it'll be for the best, but i'll always love you and part of me wishes I couldn't love you.

In particular

2008-09-16T02:12:02Z

Today has been kinda strange. I feel like i'm moving forward and moving to a better place in my life but I feel like i'm supposed to feel guilty about everything that's happening. I finally did what had to be done. It wasn't easy and it's not what I wanted but my dad put me in my place about things the other night and it really woke me up. I can't have my cake and eat it too. I always get my way despite other people's feelings and i'm so fucking sick of it. I'm sick of this fucking town judging me constantly, i'm sick of the way people stare at me, and i'm sick of feeling lonely. I don't even mean relationship wise, I just miss having a circle of friends. Tyler is my bestfriend and he's great but I miss him when he's not around since he doesn't live here but thank God it's only 30 minutes away and then my other bestfriend lives in LA now. So the closest people to me now is my family and my co-workers. The sad part is, i'm not even sure if i'm upset by that fact. I know Caleb will always be there and i'll always be here for him but I have to let go. I know i'll always carry a piece of him with me no matter what but I can't keep depending on him to make my life better and to just take care of me. I'm fucking sick of it. I'm sick of everyone taking care of me honestly. The last 4 years of my life I was blessed with people who didn't mind taking care of me physically and emotionally but that part of me is gone. I'm working a full time job with bad ass cash flow and bad ass benefits and i'm getting all of my shit together and even though no one is really around anymore to see, I know what i'm capable of and i'm finally getting there.

This was such a strange ramble. BLAH. I think I might go lay down now. Goodnight.

An open letter to you and myself

2008-09-04T02:01:35Z

All I can keep saying in my head is how could you do this to me? How you could you do this to me? I was almost ready to start over with you. You were the one person I trusted most, you were the person who never lied to me, the person (even though we broke up) who loved ALL of me, for me. Now, I don't even know you at all. I've seen how immature you really are now. It fucking breaks my heart. I don't know to look at you again. My stomach hurts. My eyes water.

Maybe i'm not meant for love. I'm so scared of feeling anymore. I want so badly for a love that leaves me speechless but i'm beginning to think it doesn't exist for me. I just want to throw in the towel and just accept that I might always be alone. I know this sounds emo and fucking stupid but it's how I feel. Fucking Chris is a disappointment and that's just plain sad. I don't even really care if it goes anywhere and it won't, I can already fucking tell.

I almost feel like you're the worst thing that's ever happend to me but I know in my heart that's just not true. I just want you to leave me be. Go be a rockstar. Go fuck around with high school girls. I can't keep fighting the good fight if you're just going to turn around and keep disappointing me. I love you for all of you too, but my heart simply just can not take it. Keep what's left of me. I won't need it back. I have to start over. I have to get over this. I eventually will and you will too. I can't hear how "you can't live without me" anymore. Because it all honesty, it's just bullshit. I know you feel for me but you'll be fine. I'll grow stronger from this and I will heal. You will also get over it and who knows, maybe we'll meet other people and be friends. I can't for the life of me go back to living the way we were living. You are better than the way you act. I know I deserve more. I'm ready to go. I need to walk this path alone. I've clung to your words and comfort for almost 2 years. I never imagined my life without you but now I need to try. I can't handle that you liked to me about Kailyn. I can't handle the lieing about the other girls either. You betrayed me and my trust. I know we weren't together when these things happen but I will not tolerate being lied to. Especially by someone who believes so whole-heartedly in being truthful. So goodbye to you. Goodbye to hurt feelings. I will miss your soft eyes and your understanding but I will not miss the heartbreak that i'm feeling.

The City Of Angels

2008-09-01T22:37:25Z

Kaley left for Los Angeles today. I have never had a friend be so loyal and honest with me and I can't believe she's leaving me for good. She'll be home at Christmas and shit but it won't be the same. I'm glad she's going through with her dream though. She got accepted to AMDA. I'm so proud of her:) It'll just be hard without her.

Anyways. Caleb and I have been talking a lot more. I do miss him and I do still love him but I just can't get over all the things he did and said to me. I just want my home more than ever. I'm getting paid good money and i'm about to get a new car and if I had my apt, i'd be set. It's just hard and complicated. I'll figure everything out though. I always do. I'm glad it's a 4 day week at work.

I'm so fucking bored. I wish I my new car. I could totally go for a drive right now. It'd be awesome to go drive aimlessly and just listen to music and go visit people or something, haha. BLAH. I'm going to go read now.

OH PS.
I finally gave in and read that Twilight book and now i'm fucking hooked!

Sleepless Night

2008-08-18T08:11:53Z

GODDAMN. It's 3am and I have to be at work at 8am. I hate being an insomniac.

I fucking miss Caleb. We were supposed to be together still. He would be sleeping next to me and we would be getting up and getting ready for our jobs together but here I am at my parents house, tired, but can't sleep. I really fucking like Chris. He's so fucking nice but i'm really afraid he is only in love with the idea of me. I think if he got a hold of the entire package, he'd go fucking running. I'm also always attracted to people who are fucked up and who had fucked up lives. Maybe it makes for better story telling. FUCK. I don't know. I'm so confused. I thought I was over this Caleb bullshit but then, out of no where, the shit just creeps up on me and I get all sad all over again.

Ugh, i'm going to try and go lay back down.
<3

Wake Up

2008-08-11T06:40:48Z

Sometimes I really feel like i'm a bad person. Chris will text me and it'll make me happy and I genuinely like him and he's super sweet and is way out going like I am but i'm not over the Caleb situation. I know i'll eventually get over it or we'll end up back together down the road. Maybe I should just put all of this bullshit behind me and just move on. I can't believe i've actually been texting him and being nice and wishing to see him after all the fucking shit he did to me. Am I a masochist? Do I just enjoy this bullshit drama? I would like to think not but look at me acting all fucking retarded and still being attached.

I should still be fucking furious. Why am I trying to be fucking nice? I guess it's just my nature. I hold on to little shit worse than major things that happen for some reason. I think i'm just going to quit talking to him all together. It's not worth it. I don't want to think about our good memories and the good stuff because i'm pretty sure the bad outway the good. It just sucks because I really thought he was going to be the one and that we were going to make it work this time but I guess it's all wrong.

Take Your Troubled Sorrow

2008-08-10T22:53:46Z

It's funny how one bit of news can change your day entirely. I just found out that my friend Zena just got married. Like out of fucking no where and she didn't even fucking tell me. Since we've been friends, she's never wanted to be married and now she is. God, I didn't realize how bitter I was and how NOT over this Caleb situation I really am. I fucking hate this feeling. I don't want to feel bitter, I want to feel better. I miss my home, I miss everything about it, I even miss him getting on all my goddamn nerves. This is just not like me to be so upset about something. He's not the one for me and I know this so why the fuck is this so hard for me? My heart breaks a little more every day when I thought it'd be better by now. I'm just glad I start Cigna in 8 days. No more sitting at home, wallowing in my misery. Ugh, how fucking pathetic is this?

I just want to cuddle with someone. I want to cry right now. I want to kiss someone in the rain. I've never shared a kiss with anyone in the rain. It's raining and no one to kiss.

Everything

2008-08-08T23:12:47Z

I still can't believe that's it so over and done with. I don't even know where to begin but I have to get this out of me.

2 Thursdays ago (whatever date that is), I went out with some friends to the bar. Caleb had to work really early so he didn't come. My friend Michael dropped me off around 2:15ish at the apartment. Mind you Caleb had an issue with Michael because Michael really liked me but anyways. So I go upstairs and wake up to let him know I was home and that I would be in the living room eating my cheese fries from Jack in the Box. Well we're talking and everything is fine until my phone beeps with a text message and it's from Michael saying how he had a really great night and he made it home okay and that loved me and that he would talk to me tomorrow. Caleb lost his Goddamn mind at this point. I knew what Michael meant when he said I love you, he meant it as a friend but Caleb wouldn't calm down long enough to believe me. So screaming and yelling and him punching walls for the next twenty minutes ensued. It was absolutely terrible. We had never fought like this before. He knew we had not done anything behind his back but he was feeling threatened and jealous by our friendship. So we kept fighting and got to the point where I was hiding in the bathroom because he was so irate that I thought he might hit me. Keep in my mind i'm drunk as sin, trying to keep a straight head during all of this but finally, I snapped and started yelling as well. All I could think was how could I be with someone who could lose his temper like this and throw things and hit walls so I screamed at him I couldn't do this anymore and thought we should take a break or something. Well he lost his mind even more and told me to gather my things and get the fuck out of HIS house. This absolutely crushed me beyond belief. I was being told to leave my home at 3:30am. I got half way down the stairs with my purse and he told me to come back up so I came back up and we argued some more and then it got even worse and he actually called me a fucking cunt. I don't know about anyone else but I do NOT tolerate this behavior. So I went right back out the door and left.

I called my friend Chris from the laundry room and begged him to come get me and he did. I called everyone I knew before that but no one was answering and I saw him at the bar so thankfully he was still up. He came and picked me up and took me to his house. I cried and cried and cried. This was heartbreaking. I just got thrown out of my own house. He took me back to the apartment in the morning while Caleb was at work and I tried to sleep but I couldn't. It didn't feel right so I went to my parents house. I told my parents everything. They were upset. So Caleb and I decided not to see each other for the rest of the weekend so we could think about things and I ofcourse did what I always do and got ridiculously drunk and made out with Chris at a party. I didn't fucking care. I was miserable, heartbroken, and just hurt by all of it and felt lonely and he so happen to be available. Yeah that probably makes me a bad person and a bitch but i'm being honest. If a man would have done it, i'm sure it would be acceptable because that's just what "men" do isn't it? Yeah well fuck that.

So we finally talked on Sunday afternoon and it got even uglier. I told him we should probably just end it because I didn't even know who he was that night. Well he screamed some more and told me to get all of my shit. I finally calmed him down and suggested I should just sleep on the couch until I could find an apartment but this was not happening to him. He told me I would have to pay him rent to stay at the apartment with my name on the lease and knowingly, I owned EVERYTHING in that apartment, the furniture, the dishes, the microwave, the sheets on the bed, the fucking tv for crying out loud. Everything was literally mind except a bed, a coffee table and 2 towels and some food. So I left him with none of it. I even took the goddamn shower curtain down I bought and took the toothpaste back. So things got even worse at this point. His myspace was saying horrible things about me and how i'm an evil whore and blah blah (you know, guy talk when they're upset) but I finally lost it and broke down when I saw a heading on his myspace update that said "Caleb hopes she fucking kills herself". I called him at 9am and confronted him balling my eyes out. I screamed to him, say it to my face, say it motherfucker, say it! He wouldn't. He couldn't. He knows my past and to think he would say something like that after his own MOTHER committed suicide when he was 18. Broke my heart, still does to even think about. I almost killed myself that day. Some miracle of God (I guess) or something stopped me but i'm still here, alive and well. Ofcourse he was sorry and apologized but couldn't get over I messed around with Chris and how I hurt him by leaving. He threw ME out let's remember. I was very sorry for hurting him but this was it for me. This had gone too far. I don't think two people can recover from such a violent blow to their relationship or friendship for that matter. This makes me sick to think that we have come so far to watch it break down.

For the one time in my life, I was not completely wrong. I didn't even retaliate like I used to. I didn't say mean things about him to others, I didn't slander his name across the internet and I still won't because I still care for him. I still can't believe this is all happening. Chris likes me and I actually broke down the other night and told him about my past which I usually don't tell a lot of people about. You know that moment in Fight Club where Edward Norton just breaks down and cries on Bob's chest? That's the EXACT feeling I had when I did. I just fucking let go and yes, I did sleep like a baby that night. it's such a strange thing though, to go from living with someone to being single and back at your parents house. Starting over sucks but i'm trying to make it positive. But yes, Chris likes me and we're going out on a date tomorrow night, or well, I guess literally tonight or whatever. I like him and he's a great guy but i'm still hurting over everything. I can't just completely move on that fast. I want to and wish I could but this time it's different. I've actually cried over Caleb and sat up for many nights, tossing and turning on my couch because I couldn't sleep. Does this make me a bad person for going on a date anyways? How could I forgive someone for the horrible, demeaning things he said about me? How i'm nothing but a diseased whore who will always be alone and how disgusting I am and stuff but expects me to forgive him and come back home after the fact that i've finally gotten all of my things home. I don't believe someone can just go right back into a situation like that. I yearn for my home though. I yearn for company. Chris gives me attention but it's just in text messages. Nothing ridiculous. I'm not about to be in love and i'm not about to start another relationship but maybe this will be nice. I don't know. I cry all the time about this though. I just want to sleep peacefully and not think about it anymore but it consumes me entirely.

moving back home sucks

2008-07-29T03:15:26Z

Yeah so fuck him. Being called a CUNT and being thrown out of your own apartment at 3:30am is fucking ridiculous. I wish him the worst. The one time I didn't do anything wrong in the relationship, he got psycho. Going through my phone, obsessing over bullshit, too all over me, punching walls, throwing things...FUCK THAT. I can do so much better than all that fucking bullshit.

Lazy Day

2008-07-01T21:44:41Z

I haven't updated in awhile. Things have been going pretty good lately. Caleb and I are doing really great, we really enjoy each other. It's nice to have a boyfriend to go out with and he doesn't care if you talk shit or dance goofy, he still loves me you:) My friends on the other hand, is a different story. I'm worried about Kristin but she just keeps saying "im out of school right now, it's cool that i'm not coherent for the 2 weeks i'm off". I mean yeah, she does drive to Dallas every day and she does make good grades but I just don't want this to carry into her life. I feel like we're drifting apart because I don't smoke pot anymore, it's really weird. I know she's not doing it on purpose but I feel like I can't even talk to her without her thinking i'm mad or judging her. It's complicated and fucking annoying.

BLAH. Anyways. Kaley and I have been hanging out a lot lately. She's super fun and makes me laugh. I think we really enjoy each other as well. I'm sad she's leaving in September but i'm so happy she's leaving Grayson County for LA! How exciting!

It's weird though, ever since we moved into together, I have toned my partying down, A LOT. I usually just drink on the weekends if then. I don't do a whole lot either. I stay at home and clean our awesome apartment and read a lot of books. Since we've moved in i've read 3 books in two weeks. That's pretty good. I read Disco Bloodbath in one night though, haha. I read a lot. I'm reading Crank now. I've always loved to read. Very few people know that about me, you might think i'm "dumb" or not "intellectual" but I was really good in english in high school and I read constantly. I especially enjoy The Canterbury Tales for some reason. I read everything, haha. BLAHHHH. It's hot outside, I went and layed out for a bit but goddamn, it was too hot, hahaa.

Time to go make something to eat.
<3

P.S. DETHKLOK ON SATURDAYYYYYYY

Enjoy The Silence

2008-06-11T00:35:37Z

The people I work with put the fucking trash in trashy. It's pretty fucking bad. I just got a job at a debt collection company and today was my second day and honestly, the work I do is kind of interesting but the people make me want to kill myself. They are so goddamn DUMB. UGH. Ignorant, drug addicts, and goddamn rednecks. It's just so weird. Kaley and I are the only people in our class that are "normal" but I just act like a complete jackass the entire time. I make everyone laugh, even my trainer so it makes me happy I guess. BLAH.

Anyways. So Caleb has been staying with me since Sunday night. My parents don't let us sleep in my bed or anything but it's nice knowing he's here. It's weird though because I barely ever see him. I see him before I leave for work at 7:40am and I see him when he comes in from work around 11ish but i've been in bed by then. Usually we stay up for awhile and bullshit. I'm glad i'm working and making that cash but I miss him already, haha. I'm selfish I suppose. I think he's going back to day shift as soon as a spot opens though so that'll be nice for when we live together. Which speaking of, we move into our apartment this Saturday! We are VERY excited! My parents gave us a really nice couch and my mom bought us a bunch of new stuff. I'm taking the rocking chair with ottoman out of my room and she bought us a nice whicker chair that came with a really comfy cushion. I like it a lot. We don't have a lot to hang on the walls though. I don't want regular bullshit and either does he, we both love weird art so we're hoping some of our friends who are artists will do something for us. All I have right now is my Ian Mackaye (he's the lead singer of the band Minor Threat, which is my favorite punk rock band) painting that my friend James did for me as a Christmas present. We need a lot of shit actually, haha. Owell we'll get it all Saturday i'm sure. Thank God I get a check next week for this week and then it'll go to bi-weekly pay:D

So that's what's been going on with me. Just been working and exhausted lately. Only 4 more days til move in!

Where I Landed

2008-06-05T00:07:29Z

My mom and I were talking today and I mentioned how overly tired I had been lately and i've been getting headaches more frequently and I didn't know why. I guess it didn't occur to me that i'm really stressed out right now. She started saying how this is my first marriage type relationship and how it's okay to be nervous but for once, in my life, i'm not scared of him or us, i'm worried about our money situation and putting food in our house and starting a new job i'm probably going to hate on Monday and I just feel so bad that he's paying for everything right now. It honestly makes me feel so goddamn helpless. I can't wait til I can help him and when all of our finances are in order and we can go and do something fun together, just him and me, to celebrate a victorious move in, hahaha. I don't know, i'm kinda flipping out. This will be the first time of really living on my own. I've moved out 3 times but I was kind of kept so I didn't really worry too much about food and bills so i'm excited for the learning experience but scared at the same time. The number one reason people end up breaking up is because of money and I just don't want that to happen between Caleb and I. I'm sure we won't because we really do balance each other out but I just hope he knows how much i'm trying and how much of my pride i'm swallowing. I'm pretty selfish and want it to be about me all the time but i'm changing and want him to notice how hard i'm trying to make it about "us" now. BLAH. I just had to get all of that off of my chest. I still feel like crying for some reason though. I guess I didn't realize how lucky I truly was til today. I've always known it but when you look down in your bathroom and his toothbrush is next to yours and his clothes are in the floor with yours, it all comes together. I really thought I was going to cry when I saw it. This used thought used to scare me but it made me happy to see it today. He just came to use my shower before work but I loved it. God i'm a chickflick. I must stop writing now. I need to do something not so goddamn mushy, haha. A fine time to quit smoking.

For A Few Seconds, This Place Was Armegeddon

2008-06-04T02:40:18Z

We got approved by the apartment people today! I'm so excitedddd! We're finally doing it big, hahaa. I have a job interview tomorrow at West Asset too. I did really good on my phone interview today and he even said I don't see why you wouldn't get the job so i'm pretty sure i'll get the job. So we move in the 14th and that morning I think my mom and I are going to go garage sale/estate sale shopping for plates and random oddities. Bitch is the fucking QUEEN of finding amazing shit at garage/estate sales. I have a circa 1995 real Chanel makeup bag because my mom found it at an estate sale. I'm hoping i'll find some cool shit for our house. I'm kinda worried about moving in though since we both don't have a lot of shit. My parents are really fucking helping us out though. They're letting me take my dresser and flat screen so that's cool. Caleb has a TV that we're probably going to end up throwing away, tables maybe and Kristin is going to let us borrow/buy her couches from her. If I get the job I start next Monday and luckily he gets paid every week so we'll be able to turn the electricity on and pay the pro-rated rent amount. I hate that I don't have any money right now but we'll figure everything out. We always do. I am worried about how we're going to eat for that first week though, hahaa. We seriously have no extra money to spend on food really but i'm sure my parents will help us out as much as they can. Blah.

Anyways, I finished Season 2 of Dexter and I can't wait for the third season! I just started watching Weeds and I like it so far :) I'm really goddamn sleepy for some reason, I don't know what the deal is. I think i'll head to bed early. Goodnight.

She's Heading For The Disco

2008-06-02T18:27:08Z

Very exciting news! Caleb and I put a deposit down on an apartment on Saturday so most likely today or tomorrow we get to find out if we for sure get it! We move in June 14th and I couldn't be more excited! I'm still job hunting but i'll have a job this week no matter what! YAYAYAY! We're so happy! I'm so glad I have the bestest boyfriend in the entire world!

I went and applied at Crescent Processing and the goddamn Family Dollar by my house. I don't give a shit, I just need the money. Tomorrow i'll be hitting up the town center. I'm so tired of job searching so i'll be glad when this is all over with! But anyways, i'm off to watch Dexter and make some food!

LOVELOVE!

Baby, If We're Gonna Do, Let's Do It Right

2008-05-30T00:52:07Z

I forget how impossible/stubborn I can be sometimes until it's right there in my face. My moods have been kinda changing a lot lately from really really silly to really really down. I know what you're thinking, you bi-polar bitch, hahaha. Hopefully that's not the case but I think i'm getting cabin fever. Being without a job is really wearing on me and on my relationship. I hate feeling useless and lazy. I know Caleb hates it and we're kinda fighting about it and it just makes me sad how stubborn I can be. It used to be when we would get into a fight i'd scream fuck you, we're done, I don't care anymore. It's weird, I can see how i'm changing for the better as in that example and how i'm staying more calm and not running away if we get into a little argument but I still need to learn how to take better advice from him. He always has my best interest at heart and I love him for that but sometimes I don't know how to just, well I don't know, "be" if you will. I really do have the best boyfriend ever and I know we're no where near breaking up but I hate that I can be so stubborn. It was a lot worse when we drinking all the time and not working but that's gotten a ton better. We're definitley more level headed with each other this time around. He definitley tells my ass what's up, haha. Our one month was yesterday. (Well, we've been back and forth for over a year now so technically like February 28th would've been our year so in that aspect, we've been together a year and 3months but you bitches know what I mean, haha! )

Hopefully tomorrow i'm just going to wake up and land a job and come back home and meet up with Kristin and drink my face off. I seriously need a goddamn cocktail :) My parents have been driving me fucking crazy as well. Our family is ridiculously lucky and i'm lucky they're so fucking cool and laid back but they aren't those parents who let high school kids come over and drink and shit, haha I don't if that makes sense but whatever. But however since i'm the black sheep of my family in a way, we get a long a lot better when I don't live here. It's weird my mom is "Gucci Momma" and my dad is all tattooed up so I mix my chanel with my crazy clothes but I get bitched at by both. Makes no sense. HAHAH. My mom told me I looked like an 80s hooker the other day because I cut the neck out of my new t-shirt. It made me laugh. She'll always want me to be the cheerleader, barbie brittney I was my freshman/sophomore year of high school but that bitch is gone and never coming back. I can be just as fabulous and fierce with my tattoos and converse bitch!

HAHA. Anyways. I'm outtieeeee.

I've Been Bitten By The Party Animal

2008-05-27T21:29:09Z

This weekend was really really fun!

Starting with Thursday night--Tyler and I went to Cellerman's for a drink and I saw Joey and that was really awkward and then we went to Good Times with Caleb. Oh. Dear God. Let me just say, I have been going to that gay bar for 4 years now and the same with S4 in Dallas and not ONE time have I been hit on by a Lesbian. Well I got hit on and the bitch wasn't even hot. She was fucking 37, desperate and gross. She bought me 2 flowers and got on her hands and knees and begged me to dance with her. I wish I was exagerating. It was pretty goddamn embaressing. Even Caleb got hit on by an ugly fag who thought he was gay. If these people would've been paying attention, they probably could've noticed that we were together but we're the type of couple who doesn't show a lot of PDA. We're over being 16.

Friday night--We didn't do much. We got some beer and just hung out at my house because we had to be up at 8am to meet his family which was really cute by the way.

Saturday night--Caleb and I went to Denton to see Stephanie and he tattooed her. He did a really good job, we were all impressed. Caleb, Stephanie, and Sharita and I got into a drinking game and me and Caleb ofcourse out drank everyone and then we tried to out drink each other and yeah, we were fucking goddamn trashed, haha. We played that Circle of Death game and lordddyyyy. It was crazy. Caleb and I shouldn't be allowed to drink in social/competitive situations. HAHA! We both don't know when to stop. Well we usually stop if we're about to puke or pass out. We're that cool, hahaha.

Sunday night--We chilled the fuck out for sure, hung out with my parents for awhile and we drank a margarita and he left. It was good to get some good sleep for once.

Monday night (last night)--HOLY GODDAMN. We went and saw GG Allin's old band the Murder Junkies and it was fucking AWESOME! I also ran into my friends from the bad "The Scandels" (look them up, they fucking rule if you like punk rock). So I talked to them and we caught up for a bit. Sean (our tattoo artist/friend) went with us and he bought me some Pabst Blue Ribbon so that fucking ruled. We met Merle Allin (GG's brother) and Dino Sex (the drummer) and they signed shit for us. Merle shook my hand and signed the inside of my As I Lay Dying purse and Dino kissed me twice on the lips and licked my panty hose and signed them "Dino Sex, I love you 2, Luna Chix forever #1". HAHA. It fucking ruled. At the end of their set everyone left the stage but Dino (who plays naked mind you) took his drum sticks and shoved 2 up his ass, hahahaa. It was hilarious and Sean asked him for a drum stick and he signed it. We had such a rad fucking time. A guy bought me a Pabst because it was HIS birthday so that ruled even more, haahha! So we went back to Sean's and I got stupidly fucked up and passed out on the floor. It was a total disgrace. My boyfriend was pretty disappointed. I don't remember coming home really. Owell, fuck it. It was good going to a punk show and getting hammered. It sucked though because we forgot our cameras:( I got a Murder Junkies sticker though!

So today I went and applied at some places and hopefully i'll be getting a job soon. We're getting serious with moving in now and I think we're going to go look at some places soon. We're both really excited and ready to start doing this for real. I love my boyfriend, he's so goddamn rad. Taking care of his old lady at a show and driving her home, haha. We're awesome.

Tyler and I at Good Times

Caleb and I at Good Times

I have a picture of me and the angry dyke but I just can't bring myself to upload it, it's that goddamn bad.

Before The Great Collapse

2008-05-22T21:35:53Z

Last night I had a dream I was pregnant. Pregnancy seems to be on my mind a lot lately. I definitley don't want to be pregnant or have a child anytime soon but the older I get, the more I want a family. It's weird. I used to be really against having kids and settling down but it's just getting more and more appealing, haha. I hate that everyone in fucking Grayson County has a goddamn kid. No offense or anything but some of them are kids themselves. My bestfriend had a kid at 16 but she's in school full time, driving 2hours to and from and makes sure he kid has everything she needs. She's a lot luckier than most but I don't understand how these dumb whores get pregnant and don't even have a goddamn job. Pisses me the fuck off. I've worked since I was 15 and I haven't been close to being pregnant. Fucking morons.

Blah. Anyways. So i'm meeting Caleb's family Saturday morning. I'm kinda nervous really. I met his dad once but it was an awkward moment and I looked like shit. I'm spending the night at his house tomorrow night and i'm so excited. We haven't slept with each other in a long time and I don't even mean sexually just literally, slept next to each other. It's going to be soo nice!

So I think i'm going to go take some bullshit job at Crescent Processing or West Asset Management so I can get the fuck out of my parents house. Shitty job but pretty good pay. I don't know where I want to live though. I don't know if I should live in Denison or Sherman. I guess we'll just see. It'd be nice to find a house or something to live in. I loved living in a house, no fucking bitchy as neighbors or getting threatend with eviction if I want to have people over. Fuck all that.

I think Tyler and I are going out tonight. Cellerman's and then Good Times! YAY! I want to be wastteddddddd. HAHA! I hope this weekend is fun. It's been kinda boring lately but Tyler and I always fun. He's my bestest gay everrrrr. I guess i'm going to go jump in the shower. Goodnight.

Every Me, Every You

2008-05-21T22:25:03Z

I just did a fuck ton of cleaning today for some reason. Sometimes I get in the mood to clean and I just go on and on. I cleaned my bedroom, my bathroom, and our computer room. Even cleaned the counter tops and cleaned out old hair products and lotions I didn't use anymore. I have A LOT of hair products, more than I thought. Thank God though, haha.

Anyways, Caleb and I went to Dallas last night. It was fun. We went to Deep Ellum and ate at one of my favorite places called Angry Dog. Usually it's a mixed crowd but they were having some kind of democratic rally in there and everyone was in business suits so it was kind of funny. He is now in love with the place, haha. On the way home we stopped at a Condoms To Go just to bullshit and look at everything. This girl and her boyfriend were in there picking out cock rings, I thought it was kinda cute/funny. After that we went back to Denison and got some beer and drank at my house for a bit and then met up with Luis and Zena around 1am for some IHOP and that's always entertaining. We came back to my house and watched the Secret Lives of Women, made out, and then he left, haha. It was cute.

I'm pretty sure my mom is in a bad mood today. I can kind of feel it. Another motivational reason for cleaning, haha. Just so she atleast can't bitch about that. Probably has something to do with my dad but I can't tell. Whateverrrrr. Owell. I'm going to finish doing laundry and watch some tv.

Bite It You Scum

2008-05-19T20:28:23Z

Oh i've been so lazy today. I got up and myspace'd and then I talked to Caleb and then I went outside and layed out for an hour. It was so beautiful out. I even got into the pool for a little bit. It was a little cold but it felt good after awhile. Now i'm back in, drinking a diet coke, being lazy as fuck. I looked horrible in my swimsuit so that was definitley some motivation for me to lose weight.

Speaking of losing weight, I lost my fucking mind last night. I just started really crying. None of my clothes are fitting me anymore, it fucking sucks. My sex drive has gone down as well since I don't feel cute at all. Caleb even asked me what the fuck was wrong with me, haha. We start to make out and I just stop because I can't stand the thought of him seeing me naked in the light anymore. A year ago I used to strut around in my cutest little outfits and shit but now i'm like get off of me, don't look at me, i'm fat, blah blah blah. Soo depressing. He still thinks i'm beautiful but he's all hot and skinny now (not that he wasn't before) but he looks soooo fucking good now. Good for him though, now it's my turn to be "hot and skinny" haha. We might start working out together if anything. OH! It was so cute yesterday, we now have a joint custody membership at Family Video. Doesn't that just make ya wanna vomit? Hahah. Loves it.

I was going to go job hunting today but I really did say straight up fuck it and told my mom that too. Hahaha. She didn't care which was cool for once but tomorrow I have to. It's also making me depressed that I don't have a routine going on right now. All I can do is try and stay positive about the entire situation. I really need to start eating better and working out, that'd be a fucking start. I know what you're thinking, bitch, you just whine and don't do shit about it. Yes i'm very aware but that's going to change soon I hope. Yes, I answer myself quite often, hahahaha.

Oh and P the fuck S.
My brother's girlfriend took some cute pictures of him and our dog Daisy at his new apartment and it's so goddamn precious. I miss my brother a lot since he's moved out.

So I totally thought this was a bong at first, but it's a table leg thank God, haha.

AWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Yeah my brother and Daisy are gangsta.

Remembering Sunday

2008-05-18T20:22:07Z

Goddamn. I need some real girl time. HAHAH. I'm unloading all of my emotional crap about Caleb on Caleb, haha. Nothing bad but just like how i've been feeling and how much I love him and it sucks because he's probably going to grow tired of it soon, haha. I just feel really lonely lately honestly. I have my wonderful boyfriend but I don't think Kristin is really 100% here for me lately. I see her and Willie doing what Max and I used to. It just makes me want to vomit. I'm not sure if we have the same relationship anymore. I love her and she's my bestie but I just feel like I can't talk to her and just unload about Caleb. I miss Stephanie. Stephanie just lets me talk and talk and talk, hahaha. She just listens and helps me (I guess that's why she's going to be such a goddamn good therapist, haha). I don't know, it's just me I think.

I'm so fucking pissed off I have to go back and do job searching again tomorrow. Fuck all these places around here. I just wish I was in school again but I can't go until I pay for it my goddamn self. It sucks. I guess i'm a little stressed out. I'm ready for Caleb and I to move in together and get going our careers. I want to hurry and get in school and get my liscense and then move us down to Allen so he can be closer to the shop and he can focus more on tattooing and doing what he needs to do to get going with that. Fuck, i'll move to Desoto if I have to. He motivates me and I think I motivate him so we're good with shit like that. So we pretty much got my parents blessing to move in together last night. We had it before but they were actually smiling and hugging me when I told them about us being really happy and how I think we might be moving in together when I get a job and shit. I'm so glad they're so supportive of us and not like how they are with my brother and his girlfriend. My parents and I get along better when I don't live here, haha. I don't have to hear them bitch about me or the way I dress. It's weird, my mom is such a girly girl and my dad is almost sleeved out with both arms. Crazy bitches. Owell. I'm getting in the shower, Caleb will be here afterwhile.

Caleb and I last July at my mom's birthday party

Caleb and I later in the night. This was the epidemy of our relationship at the time. I was so skinny then and he was a little bigger. Now i'm fat and he's skinny and has more tattoos. Bastard, haha.

barbiedisco @ 2008-05-17T15:50:00

2008-05-17T21:03:11Z

I didn't get the fucking job at La Quinta. I really needed it. It was between me and another girl, and they gave it to her. I kind of feel they wasted my time but whatever. So I guess on Monday it's back to the job search. This sucks so fucking bad. Fuck it.

So last night was interesting. Kristin and I drove down to Denton and hung out with Stephanie and Dustin. We got SOOO fucked up. HAHA. So on the way home we get back on 82 and I notice Kristin's temperature gauge was really high and she needed water so we pulled over in Gainesville and put water in it. Well us dumb broads didn't know that if you put the water in while it's too fucking hot that it could crack the head, well we did just that. So we were stuck in hour away from home. Sucked so bad. But this cop came and helped us and stayed with us to make sure we were alright. He was super cool. His name was Justin, he lived in Flowermound and his fiance doesn't know he dips, haha. It was cute. We somehow got onto the subject of Rat Rods so we both just started talking, talking, talking about that. Finally Willie and Caleb showed up to save the day. We moved her car and they took us back home. It was a complete mess, haaha. We then went to Oklahoma to get beer and Willie, Caleb, and I drank til like 5am and then Caleb took me home. It was an alright night, better than going to jail I suppose.

I'm sad I missed the goddamn car show today though. I really wanted to go but whatever I guess. I've been to a bunch and there will be more i'm sure. Gah. I'm so ready for Caleb and I to go somewhere for a weekend. That'd be nice. We talked about San Antonio a little bit and then again, i'm always up for Galveston, haha. Just take me to an ocean with a drink in my hand with my sunglasses and i'll be set for life, haha. Well, i'm going to go get in the shower. I think Luis, Caleb, and I are going to Logan's to see Zena at work and then I don't know what we're going to do.

P.S. I got my mom's phone since she bought the new Rumor thank God. It's so cute.

Kristin and I. I don't know what the fuck i'm doing. We're fucking phased niggaaaaa.

My new phone except mine has a pink cover. It's awesome, and the thing in the front is a MP3 player:D

The Secret.

2008-05-16T00:33:27Z

Max is buying some girl he knew in high school who has a fucking boyfriend an engagement ring. I almost threw the fuck up when I heard this. I don't know who the fuck he even is anymore. UGH. What a fucking moron, haha. I also can't help but laugh either. We dated for 3 months and now all of a sudden he wants to get married to some bitch he hasn't seen in years? Wow. That just blows me away.

Kristin is going through something a lot worse though. Her bestfriend of 18 years is now with her ex boyfriend who she dated for 2 1/2 years. Amanda is her daughter's godmother and as far as Kaylee knows, Michael is her dad. It's sickening. The girl who I thought would never do anything to hurt anyone, hurts the one person who never turned her back on her. She even let Amanda have Kaylee on the weekends, I don't think Kristin would ever let me do that and not because she doesn't love me but it's a big thing to let one of your friends watch your child. Makes me sick really but whatever I suppose.

I'm reading a new book called "The Secret". This book is going to change my life. It's all about positive thinking and being one with your own thoughts. It kind of reminds me of Buddhism but you're in charge of your life, not a religion, not anyone, but you. It's amazing. I got it from the library but I think i'm going to buy it. It also helps get you the things you want/need in your life. It's supposed to help with relationships as well.

Speaking of relationships, Caleb and I talked a long time last night. We talked about the past and how we treated each other, well more of how I hurt him all the time. It's strange, I feel as if i'm a completely different person than I was a year ago. You have to understand I was so jaded and hurt and bruised from my relationships from the past and by the time I was talking to Caleb, I just shouldn't have. I shouldn't have dated anyone after Jason, but I did. I'm glad I did because I wouldn't be at the place that I am now but it makes me sad how badly I hurt the people around me. I'm not a bad person and i'm not mean but I did lose myself for awhile. I would literally wake up and look at myself in the mirror and be like "who is this girl?". "What happend to the nice girl who loved everything and everyone around her?" I became so negative and depressed and just didn't give a fuck about anyone, especially after Caleb and I called it quits. I realize now how much I love him and need him in my life. He seriously has saved my life. No one could possibly understand this but I think he might and my parents love him more than anything. They want me to marry him, hahaa and it's crazy because they NEVER say that about anyone. My mom hates every guy I date but she knew Caleb was good for me. I know now how good he is for me and i'm never letting go. I hate the pain i've caused in my life, his, and other people's because of my actions but I feel like my soul has even changed. That saying that, "People never change" is a fucking lie. People don't change because they are too set in their ways and just don't want to. I wanted to and I did. I'm not going to be that girl anymore who drinks all the time and says mean things to people to get a rise out of them. I'm done. I want to live a more positive life and I will. I don't need anyone judging me or telling me I can't because I CAN AND WILL.

Woo. I'll get off my box now:D

The last 5 years in photographs

2008-05-15T00:59:15Z

The La Quinta interview went pretty good I think. It was short and sweet and he was friendly. I said the word "chick" and he laughed and said it caught him off gaurd, haha, hopefully in a good way. He seemed to like me though. I guess we'll see what happens.

Caleb and I went to IHop last night. That was fun. We talked and laughed and I saw some girls I went to high school with. They all got kids or getting married. Fucking flips me out. I want those things too but not anytime soon. I'm discovering that I really do want a baby someday though. For awhile, I was really not wanting kids but the older i'm getting, the more I guess "maternal" i'm feeling. I'm feeling a lot more girly and wanting to be more lovey/dovey more. I feel like i've lived my life pretty fast and i've had a lot of fun and i've had a lot of fucked up scary times but I think i'm to a point where I have to grow up a bit. I'm not going to stop listening to my music or dying my hair all the colors of the rainbow but sadly, i'm probably going to start dressing a little differently. I definitley will keep wearing my band t-shirts and converse and shit but as for the short skirts with fishnets and shit, that'll be for special occasions. I can't keep doing it, i'm fucking 21 now and broke. HAHAH! When I have more money and get back into school, that might change, but for now, until I get my dream job, i'm going to keep it pretty low key. I just can't wait to get my cosmetology liscense because as soon as I do, i'm going to get my knuckles tattooed and hopefully by that time, my boyfriend will be tattooing and he'll do them for me:D

But anyways. We might hang out with Fred and Beau and shit tonight but we'll see. I've been enjoying our alone time as well but I think I kinda want to get drunk tonight. Maybe we'll do something tomorrow night. I hate Calhoon's with a passion but maybe i'll go, who knows. Atleast their drinks are cheap. Oh and thank God Caleb turns 21 next month. We can finally go out and have drinks and have "real dates" HAHA.

How much i've changed over the years:

When I was 16. Can you believe that? I thought I was fat, what a fucking moron.

They only want you when you're 17. (RIP Casualties Scarf)

Aaron and I. The first boy I ever loved. I also thought I was fat here. We were hung over as FUCK.

Heather and I. I was drunk as shit and I remained drunk/high/strung out on pills for days at a time at this point in my life.

Nicole and I during college.

19 right before I got my first tattoo.

Brandon and I. I would spend the next 8 months of my life surviving only on Alcohol and mental abuse.

Brandon and I at our house. We weren't that happy for long I promise. After this photo was taken, I left crying.

One of the lowest points of my life. I was so high I couldn't even tell you what was going on. This was in Brandon and I's garage.

The biggest love and heartbreak of my life. Jason and I when we first got together. Words can not describe the love I had. I would spend the next year of my life back and forth with him.

I just turned 20 and me and Alisa were heading back from a Stars game drunk as shit.

Caleb and I when we first got together. I didn't know it at the time but he was going to be my saving grace and the last love of my life<3

We were happy but we had problems.

Kristin and I at Steph's being silly.

What's funny about this picture is I went outside to talk to Caleb (we were fighting and not together at the time) and he through a full beer at me and told me how big of a bitch I was. I went to hit him and before I got to him Jared pulled me off of him, hahahaa. The next day, he didn't remember shit.

Party at Jessica's.

Aww my Ben. I miss him but Alcohol can tear friendships apart. He's getting married now and I do wish them the very best. Ben/Britt if you're reading this: I miss you guys!

We broke up for 4months shortly after this was taken.

When Shawn and I were besties.

I got into a carwreck on Christmas Eve so Christmas day, this is how I celebrated:D

Poor Michael. I was so jaded and he met me at the wrong time in my life. He is so sweet.

Max and I. He was seriously almost the death of me. We were dead Marilyn Monroe and JFK at the costume party.

Kristin and I being cute:D This was right before I turned 21.

I love my bestfriend. This was a horrible night by the end of it.

The last time I saw Max. I seriously do not wish him well.

Tyler and I. We're the "Stalker Crew" HAHAHA!

This night ended up being so crazy. I ended up drinking til 10am.

The most recent picture of me besides the pics in earlier blogs. Caleb and I just got back together and I was with some friends at a show.

Yeah, i've changed a fucking lot.
HAHAHA.
Goodnight.

This Feeling Has Got To Stay

2008-05-14T03:12:24Z

I had my interview at Best Buy today. I got hired at $8.00hr and i'm supposed to go take a drug test tomorrow but I really want the job at La Quinta actually because it's more of a full time job and Best Buy is only part time and idk. I have another interview at La Quinta at 4pm so I guess i'll go take my drug test tomorrow and then just go to my interview at see what happens. Or maybe i'll just blow it off and hope for the best with La Quinta. Michael said they really liked me or whatever and i'm meeting with the big manager tomorrow so wish me luck, haha.

Anyways. Caleb and I talked about moving in together last night. Not too into detail but he asked if I was scared. I am but i'm not. I have more faith in this relationship than I have had in anything in a long time. I don't want to fuck this up. I refuse to. If we're going down in flames, it's not going to be because of me this time, hahaha. He's so good to me so I can't see why we would though. It's odd though, i'm not scared, i'm more excited. I can't wait to see what the future holds for us. I'm pretty sure he's the one i'm going to marry. I giggled as I wrote that. Holy shit, i'm turning into that girl. I'll never forget when I worked at Chili's in Denison and Lexa was asking about Caleb and said "You know you'll get back together, ya'll are like the perfect tattoo, punk-rock couple, he's your match!" I remember I laughed in her face when she said this because I never dreamed i'd want to get back together with him but I remember one day I was sitting in my room and I pulled out my box where I keep love letters and found his and started to cry. I remembered what it was like for him to be in my life and how badly I wanted him back. I couldn't keep my mind off of him ever since that. Even though we're back together now, I think about him constantly. It's retarded how in love I am now. I feel like I fucked a lot of shit up and hurt people a long the way but I haven't been this happy in a long time and I don't want it to go away because, well, goddamnit I deserve it.
HAHAHAAH.

Goodnight.